One common phrase women use during sex may sound encouraging, but some men say it does just the opposite, turning passion into “performance pressure.”
Talking about likes and dislikes in the bedroom is often seen as a good thing, with couples encouraged to communicate openly about everything from pace to positions and what feels good.
But according to sex experts and men sharing their experiences online, one phrase that sounds supportive can sometimes have the opposite effect.
‘Triggers an insecurity’
For some men, hearing the words “Don’t stop, harder” creates pressure rather than excitement.
One Reddit user admitted the phrase is something he hears frequently from female partners, especially during rougher sex, but said it can leave him feeling like he has to push himself beyond what feels natural.
“As a male I often hear this from my female partners,” he wrote.
Rather than taking the words as praise, he said he feels compelled to give everything he has, even when it becomes uncomfortable.
“I seem to give it my all in these moments until it becomes uncomfortable which at times I lose the erection. It just triggers an insecurity that I may be a disappointment sexually,” the netizen explained.
‘Performance pressure’
According to sex and relationships expert Gigi Engle, reactions to the phrase vary widely. Plenty of men enjoy hearing it, she explained, but problems arise when people assume everyone responds to it the same way.
“Where we run into a pitfall is assuming it’s really hot [to hear this], when for some, they’ll feel like they can’t c*m too quickly or they’ll be a failure,” Engle said in a recent interview with Metro.
“Or they might be going as hard as they can and then feel like ‘okay, I guess I’m not good enough’, so it can create performance pressure.”
That pressure is something Alec Williams, a BACP-registered psychotherapist who works with men dealing with relational trauma, says he sees regularly.
“For many men, this can become a self-fulfilling cycle,” Williams told Metro. “They focus so much on performance and ‘getting it right’ they get stuck in their own head.
“Naturally this can affect how their bodies respond, leading often to losing erections or not being able to orgasm, which creates more internal pressure for the next encounter.”
Shame spiral
Performance anxiety isn’t the only issue experts point to. In some cases, Engle said, the phrase can have the exact opposite effect, causing a man to “prematurely ejaculate because of so much stimulation.”
“If they’re on the verge of ejaculating and you say, ‘don’t stop, harder,’ they might just ejaculate, which can cause a shame spiral,” she explained.
Even without any mental pressure, trying to respond by increasing speed and intensity can simply become exhausting.
“If you’re going harder or more vigorously than you’d like to, it can wear you out and getting tired is going to make your erection go down, or cause delayed ejaculation,” Engle said. “It can also
Communication is key
Both experts agree that the answer isn’t to stop communicating, but to make sure partners understand what each other means.
“Firstly, harder doesn’t always mean faster, it can mean deeper thrusts that are really slow,” Engle said. “It doesn’t necessarily mean intense, vigorous jack-hammering and most people don’t like that anyway.”
Asking for clarification, she added, can help remove some of the pressure.
“Your partner contextualising what they’re saying can be really helpful in alleviating that pressure.”
Williams echoed that advice, saying honest conversations can make intimacy feel safer and less stressful.
“Having an open conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling during sex, and what would help you to feel a greater sense of safety and connectedness could work.”
Are there any phrases that are a total mood killer for you? Please share your thoughts with us and then pass this story along so we can hear from others!
READ MORE
- Escort reveals sex position most requested by men
- Women reveal the one question they hate most during sex
